Who wouldn’t say that “Do be so kind!” sounds friendly?
“Be nice” is one of the five inner drivers. A model developed by the Americans Taibi Kahler and Hedges Casper as part of #TransactionalAnalysis (“I’m OK, You’re OK.” Based on Eric Berne). They define this as parental or educational instructions that the child internalises as #adaptation patterns and #beliefs, enabling them to cope in the world.

This behaviour manifests itself not only in politeness, empathy or teamwork. These are #resources that are useful and helpful. Yet, as is so often the case, it is the dose that makes the poison! It becomes problematic when this turns into self-sacrifice and one’s own needs are lost sight of, for in reality, drivers act like an inner contract, like a script to be followed.
If, for example, my inner director tells me that I’m okay as long as others are satisfied (“Don’t make a fuss”) or that I’m allowed to take up space as long as no one feels disturbed (“I don’t want to be difficult”) or that I say yes to keep the relationship secure (“Better say yes, otherwise you’re being selfish”), the tension between one’s own needs and obeying inner prohibitions grows. And that is precisely where the game begins.

Eric Berne said: “Games are a compromise between intimacy and keeping intimacy at bay.” This fits alarmingly well: whoever always wants to please comes across as approachable, helpful and engaging. Yet genuine closeness does not arise through conformity. It arises when I show myself, with my boundaries, with clarity and the permission to say no (“No is a whole sentence!”). And here lies the key:
I can be friendly without losing myself.
I am allowed to help without making myself available.
I am allowed to say no and still remain in the relationship.
Or, in Berne’s words: “We are born princes and the civilising process turns us into frogs.”
Sometimes, personal growth begins with noticing the frog and remembering the prince or princess.